Teddy Roosevelt had the River of Doubt.  It was a tributary of the Amazon.  I have experienced the purchase of doubt, from the website, Amazon.

Planning a camping trip in a small Porsche means trying to imagine how to pack many things into a very small space.  It also involves finding solutions so that things are convenient yet still packed carefully.  There are two items that have dogged me in my search: A cell phone holder and camping chairs small enough that I can bring two of them and all the other gear we want to bring along.  So far in my quest I have purchased three different cell phone holders.

The first had many features including a receptacle for additional chargeable items, a bending support brace to position the phone into almost any configuration and a phone holding contraption that I almost broke before I figured out how to open it.  Online, it was perfect. In real life it was the size of one of my shoes.  (Size 11 if you are shopping for me).  Amazon should have a rule that everything sold online is placed next to something we all know the size of so we can actually gauge how big the item really is.  This contraption is so large that instead of mounting it inside the sports car, it went into my very large truck, where it still looks quite big.  Investment: $19.95+ shipping.  Lesson: Things aren’t always as they appear.

Attempt number two moved me to the opposite end by selecting a low cost solution. This one utilized a design that clamped the phone into a miniature jaws of life with the entire contraption suction cupped to the dash or window.  It appears to be made from recycled red solo cups but without the rigidity.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find a smooth flat surface other than the tiny windshield to adhere it to.  My lovely wife now uses it in her car. Investment: $5.00+ shipping. Lesson: Plastic comes in many strengths and is directly proportional to cost.

Even after exploring the vast expanse of the Amazon, they can’t lay claim to the solution I ended up finding.  I follow the “three-strikes and you-are-out” approach to life, which meant I reached the end and needed to implement a real solution.  That came from a Porsche parts supply company that had designed a magnet holder with a custom bracket. The bracket needed to be mounted behind a panel that required it be removed so that it had the “Original equipment” look.  When you add “P” to the front of any word, it becomes expensive.  “Parts”, “Phone”, “Porsche”.  You get the drift. Investment $45.00+ shipping.  Lesson learned – spend the money upfront and become that most realistic “P” word of all. Poor.

Remember I told you about how there should be a reference guide to sizing of things? Chairs are the perfect example.  Here is a fun Google search for you.  “Lightweight chairs for backpacking”.  If you add the word “Affordable”, your search will bring back the laughing man emoji.

I have so many camping chairs that I am beside myself that I need to buy two more.  But none of my existing chairs will fit.  911 Porsche’s have a “frunk” – a front trunk, because the engine is in the rear.  Frunk’s are not large.  Once you add a tent, sleeping bags, camping gear and the like, you have filled this area to capacity quickly and are left only with a very small back seat to put everything else.  Understand, we are talking small. Shoe box small. Little kids are too big for the back seat small.  Why the hell do they even call it a back seat small? They think a two people will sit there? Small.

That means luggage, a cooler and of course, those highly desired chairs are all fighting for the space. I found a chair used by the military that is supposed to break down very small.  It probably does a great job inside a military transport plane, but it takes up the entire back seat of a 911 with room for nothing else. How do I know? I bought two of them.  Cost – Return shipping.

There are inflatable chair options, but I want to sit by the fire with my lovely wife.  One spark between us, or from the fire, and we are flat on the ground.  Once on the ground, I will be laughing while I fight to right myself to try and get back up.  Getting old is not fun.

I am in the deep weeds of the Amazon now as I search for the elusive “buttus sittus”. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will emerge with a photo of a bottle of whisky next to it so I have a reference on how big it truly is.  Wish me luck!